I can’t remember where I first heard about the principle of The Giver’s Gain but it was probably around the time I came across Superlove. The deliberate gesture of generosity to someone who doesn’t seem to deserve it, who then gives it back in spades has provided the back bone to the way I like to live my life.
So when a fellow food writer I had a coffee with last week - she’s got a book out; I said I’d see if I could help - told me that an extremely well known author in her subject area had refused her a testimonial, I was astonished. Ok, so maybe she was just too busy at the time of asking, but no. ‘She told me that she doesn’t believe in doing things for other people’ said the food writer. ‘She has a whole philosophy as to why no-one really does.’
Whaat?
Only once have I seen someone venting on Facebook about how people keep asking her for a coffee in exchange for a bit of advice. She ended with a quip about how much she charges per 10 minutes. Happily, you could hear the sound of tumbleweed in her thread.
The Giver’s Gain works on so many levels, and altruism is a fair way down the ladder. There’s the gentle ego massage for a start; someone is asking you for your time as a thought leader. Sure, you can monetise it, but why not give it away first, practice for free, and then work out its value in the market place? My portfolio of one-on-ones on writing, podcasting, content creation etc is born of years of coffees, quick calls or pop ins.
Then there’s the community spirit of helping someone just because you can. It’s in our DNA to make friends and influence people - not least because you never know when you’re going to need them yourself. Measure the benefit in the post-coffee hug. It feels good because it is good for us to help each other out.
This week, I shall be mostly mentoring, a job I delight in now that I genuinely feel (as an elder) that I’ve got something to give. The days of blagging it are over, and I’m happy to charge for my time. And just look at that - people are happy to pay! Whodathunk? My very own Giver’s Gain right there.
Don’t get me wrong; I’m still giving it away. I’ve just spent 20 minutes I’ll never get back talking to an expert about food trends. It’s for an article he’s writing for which he’ll be paid, but I found myself talking about stuff I hadn’t even thought about before. It was fun! He’ll credit me, and I learnt something that I didn’t even think I knew. That’s ok.
Minutes later, I was invited to be a judge at a prestigious food awards. It’s not quite my area - but it too will be fun, I’ll meet loads of cool people and well, think of the social media content. I did ask if there was a fee, but got a firm response; they’ll pay travel. I’m in. In the superficial land of Instaglam, there’ll be plenty of people marvelling at the photos in which I share a laugh with Superstar A and a moment of pondering with Celebrity B, but who knows what else might come of it? And it’s a day out in London Town. I’ll shift my workload.
And then there’s the very real possibility that the Universe does smile fondly on the Givers in life. We love a bit of superlove, and we know in our bones that it’s right. Call me old fashioned, but as my choir prepares for its summer gig and the six-part harmonies of the Bugsy Malone classic come together in a glorious finale, there won’t be a dry eye in the house. Do come - Brighton Dome Studio, July 21st. Altogether now… ‘You give a little love and it all comes back to you-oo’.
Genuinely gasped when I read that someone (in our industry too!) refuses to help to everyone. Am totally happy to be in the Superlove camp.
Have you read Adam Grant's Give and Take? It is excellent.
The summary being that we can all, broadly, be categorised as Givers, Takers and Matchers and that the majority of those who experience the most "success" (where success includes contentment and relationships, not just piles of money) are Givers, but so too are those who end up worst off.
The difference is boundaries; not being a doormat Giver, basically.
I'm inclined to think privilege (in all senses, not just money) also plays a part in which type you are, as well as how it turns out for you. It's definitely a nicer way to move through life!